After the big diamond heist of 1995, my criminal self packed her ass up and made her way to the most prestigious Super 8 in Costa Rica. With a large population of escaped Nazi war criminals, I found myself surrounded by anti-semitism. The hatred they emanated towards the Jews really brought me down. It triggered me to begin one of the most successful drug rings of its time. My theory that getting stoned out of your mind brings even the worst of enemies together proved to be correct. As soon as Heinrich Etounzchveur took one whiff of that world famous cocaine, he and Morty Steinburg were makin' their way to the best German discos, hand in hand. Me, being the nosy Russian spy I am, followed the two, only to discover a plethora of Italian whores. It was the beginning of a beautiful business endeavor. Drugs and Prostitutes straight to your door! But all good things must come to an end, and eventually Passion and Cherry, my two best girls, got old, and no one wants to hire a highly STD infected hooker. My cash flow was running high and dry, I needed to pay the rent, so I posed as 'working gal' and from that day forward, I knew what to do with my life. I became the most highly respected kidney thief in all of the western part of Egypt. Now, sitting in my jail cell in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, I don't regret a second of it. Viva la Robo de órganos!

*None of this is true. Let's call it creative writing. If you'd like to know more about me, go ahead and ask. myspace.com/iamthemasterofthewicket

Studying the top-secret, highly classified, extremely rare case of the super, air-borne AIDs epidemic., Memorizing and repeating useless facts to one day become a super-human bank of pointless knowledge., Collecting books on explosive to protect myself when World War III happens. I will be protected by hiding under these books when the nuclear explosives come into play., Mooning over opening a string of meth labs in Bishop's Windyhill, then fleeing the country., Leaving people to wonder if there really is a super, air-borne AIDs strain I'm studying.

The Gay Potatoes, Rick Astley

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Gordon Robertson: Spiritual Gifts for Today

Who Moved My Cheese?